I blame my sisters for most of them. When the shirt I have looked for for three years shows up in an Instagram post. FOUND. And how dare you. Okay, fine it does look better on you. Keep it.
A lot of things that have been lost were also never lost at all but stolen.
I once had my gym bag taken from my locker while in the shower, containing my iPod, the only key to happiness.
Lost. Stolen. Not great feelings.
I've been living in Salt Lake City for nearly eight months. Almost six of those months have been in quarantine from Covid-19. I move around a lot. It is kind of who I am at this point. But I would be lying if I said I found myself and a new life here. The truth is, I am lost.
Many days I feel at the bottom of a cardboard box, buried in T-shirts left behind, glasses, the odd single glove that someone is unrelentlessly looking through their car seats for.
I turned 32 just the other day. Being at the bottom of the "Lost and Found" box is not where I planned to be at this age. But it is where I am, or where I was.
When I was young I sometimes heard screaming in my head long after my screaming siblings went to sleep. I always thought it was a lingering dream. Now, through many therapy sessions I know it is anxiety. Yup. Actually a real thing. But where does it come from?
In my 32 years I have lived many lives and finished many chapters. All of which have been adventures, some good and some not so good. What I understand now is that anxiety stems from worry. Worry is a fight or flight reaction to fear. It keeps us safe and it tells us where to go and what to do.
But the answer isn't always clear.
Managing my anxiety over the years has been a painful "test and approve" game. Men, nope, Alcohol, nope. New job, nope. New home... nope.
Vulnerability. Shit. That is it.
Anxiety can control you but only if you let it. I finally made the choice to look it in the eye a week ago during a panic attack and said "No." Yes, our world is hurting. I am still fighting the fight for girl's education worldwide, justice for black lives, clean water, clean oceans, and for goodness sakes the kindness our world is missing. I do not believe (as much as I hope) that these fights will find peace in my lifetime. But what I do know is that we are all stronger than we believe. So I choose to wake up every morning and say "No."
These last six months have wanted to shed its ruins on me and make me immobile. It did. It has. But I wasn't born into this world to stay silent and I also wasn't born perfect. I just choose every day to feel my anxiety, which will probably never go away, and still say "No."
We are alive, what a gift. It is hard as hell right now but here we are.
If you are struggling right now, say it. If you are lonely, say it. If you feel hopeless, say it. God did not put this many people on our earth to watch Netflix and cry and sink into our couches hoping things will just get better. Feeling lost is something most of us have probably felt over the last six months. It is also something many felt long before a pandemic. Now is our time to speak up about real issues. To own our bravery and let our hurting world know that we are not lost. And while our usual daily life routine has been stolen, it is also not lost. With each other, we are always found.
My name is Amanda Halle and I am struggling with anxiety. It has kept me debilitated for months and I am way too powerful to let it happen anymore. Say it. Join the fight.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.” - Brene Brown
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