I was 10 years old, she was in the bathroom with me helping me get ready for school and I was staring at my reflection, most likely dressed in denim overalls and a smiley face t-shirt, feeling pretty cool about myself. Then something happened that we didn't expect. My two younger sisters and little brother were in the living room and my sisters began to fuss. My mother left the bathroom just in time to see something tragic happen.
Our little brother, who had just learned to crawl, had wiggled himself through the stair railings and my mother watched him fall nearly 12 feet straight down into the basement. It was immediate panic. I really only remember my mother yelling to me to call 911 as my dad had already left for work. Although I'd never done it before, I picked up the phone and did what needed to be done.
Thankfully, my brother survived the fall (and some other tragic ones since then), but it didn't end there. A few years later my brother began to choke on a hard candy and was barely breathing. While my youngest sister cried and said her goodbyes to him, I called 911 again. By the time the paramedics arrived his airway was clear and he was safe.
Before I reached 16 I had called 911 during a crisis for each of my siblings, and coming from a big family, even when crisis wasn't present, chaos was a regular guest in our home. Being the oldest I often found myself in a "chaos management" role. Looking for a lost sibling, running for help when someone fell, searching for the binky when someone's tantrum escalated beyond control.
Before I reached 16 I had called 911 during a crisis for each of my siblings, and coming from a big family, even when crisis wasn't present, chaos was a regular guest in our home. Being the oldest I often found myself in a "chaos management" role. Looking for a lost sibling, running for help when someone fell, searching for the binky when someone's tantrum escalated beyond control.
I remember my mom telling me one day that I would make a great paramedic because I was able to "keep my cool in chaos."
At the time my dreams were still 100% set on becoming a singing, dancing, princess, whale trainer, so I let her comment slide right off my shoulders. But deep down I wondered if she was right. Keeping my head in chaotic environment did somehow come naturally to me.
So I became a waitress.
Talk about keeping your cool in chaos. I started working as a waitress when I was 16 and while I worked other jobs and began other careers, I always kept one toe in the restaurant industry. All the way until I was 29. Those of you who have ever waited tables know that the money can be great, but it was the chaos I lived for. Busy, understaffed nights, large parties, unruly guests, and oh, those aching feet.
About a year ago, after returning from a life teaching overseas, I was searching for a future that would literally "keep me on my toes" again. I found my passion arise again by becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. I found my home in a long-term care facility and it quickly became my sanctuary. From the time I clocked in, my feet never stopped moving, my residents never stopped needing changing, carts never stopped needing restocking and the never ending sound of call lights always resembled "The Carol of the Bells."
Working in long-term care meant working with a majority of patients with advanced dementia. An unfathomable disease I am still learning so much about. Thankfully, my work with children over the years gave me the patience to redirect and repeat myself one million times without having a breakdown. I was in chaos constantly, but I was keeping my cool.
Finding a deep passion in the work I was doing I decided to look into growing my career into nursing. But I knew my little town was not the place to do it.
There were several reasons why I decided to leave Washington five months ago and come to Utah, but one was the promise of an environment to grow my skills. Shortly after arriving I found a position at an assisted living facility and was thrilled to be back working in my feet-aching passion. I undoubtedly fell in love with each and every resident while still knowing it was a stepping stone to my next big dream.
A little over a month ago I was blessed to accept a job at the children's hospital, the place I had my eyes on since the day I arrived in Utah. Then, like that day nearly 20 years ago while brushing my hair in the bathroom, something tragic happened. Coronavirus hit the United States and chaos spread like wildfire.
Probably like most of you I watched the Coronavirus take hold of China, never believing that it would arrive on our soil, let alone take control of my daily life, well-being, and ultimately, my job.
Before any of us had been sentenced to quarantine, I had already put in and finished my two weeks at my current job, giving myself time to get situated and moved to my new apartment in downtown. Knowing my start date at the hospital was soon arriving, I tried to "keep my cool in the chaos." The grocery stores were mad houses and the air I was being forced to breathe being inside all day was stale and thick with uncertainty. To add a cherry to the top of that, my new employer called me the day before my start date to tell me that all new hires were put on hold until further notice.
As someone who personally struggles with anxiety on the regular, feeling the whole world around me also become gripped with anxiety drove me into some very dark moments. It was chaotic, but not the kind I longed for. I watched many strangers and even good friends let fear begin to rule their lives.
As someone who personally struggles with anxiety on the regular, feeling the whole world around me also become gripped with anxiety drove me into some very dark moments. It was chaotic, but not the kind I longed for. I watched many strangers and even good friends let fear begin to rule their lives.
I let it run my life for years. In those dark moments over the last few weeks, I let it back in, but only for a moment. I relied on my God and the help of some people in my life who truly see me for who I am to help pull me out of those moments. They helped remind me that fear is a liar.
In the last several months I have heavily meditated on and sought for the gift of serenity. Serenity simply means the state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. A notion that seems nearly impossible to grasp during the worldwide pandemic. But I do believe it is attainable.
In the last several months I have heavily meditated on and sought for the gift of serenity. Serenity simply means the state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. A notion that seems nearly impossible to grasp during the worldwide pandemic. But I do believe it is attainable.
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to travel across the country and stay with a dear friend while I waited to hear about my job's start date. I jumped at the opportunity, crazy as it seemed to pretty much every one I talked to, because I was not afraid.
The airports were ghost towns. Just a fraction of the number of people I encounter when I brave the grocery store. The few of those around me were as cautious as I was about spreading germs and as we sat in those barren airports, spread apart, I was silently listening in on their reasons for travel and cheering them on for being brave enough to take care of themselves.
"I'm going to see my sister." "My mom might need some help." "I haven't had time off in years and need to see some sunshine." "I've been wanting to make this trip since I was a little girl."
The airports were not chaos. My trip was not chaos. But the backlash I had from making that trip from people I love and care about feels like chaos. The unwanted kind.
You see, fear makes us do crazy things. Like hoard toilet paper, wear gas masks to the grocery store, and judge others. I have no anger at those who have judged me for traveling and for making my return to work in a healthcare environment so soon. I learned and accepted long ago that someone else's opinion of me is none of my business.
My soul has thrived in chaos since I was a young girl, and will continue to thrive in it until my time on this earth is done. My hospital has called me and hundreds of others back into their doors because they need us now more than ever and we are trained on how to keep this disease and every other one we encounter in our patient's rooms under control.
Every morning I get up for work I make three choices. As I brush my hair in the mirror, I remind myself that tragedy could strike at any moment.
So first I decide not to fear, especially the things outside my control. I take every precaution I am taught to keep myself and others safe. I wash my hands and sanitize hundreds of times, even when I am not at work. I also take every opportunity I can to safely interact with friends and spend time outdoors, because if my mental health crashes, my world comes crumbling down.
Next, I choose not to judge others, even the ones who take all of their five children with them into the grocery store or hoard all the toilet paper. Who am I to know if they are buying toilet paper for their elderly neighbors or are bringing all of their kids along because they are a single mother and had no other choice.
Lastly, I choose serenity. When people do or say things that ruffle my feathers I remain calm, peaceful, and untroubled. It is not an easy thing to do getting situated in a new work environment, let alone at a time like this but it is a choice I make, sometimes several times a day.
I'm a thousand miles away from being perfect, but I am eternally grateful for the people I have met, countries I have lived in, and completely chaotic situations I have been through that have prepared me to thrive in this pandemic. To not only "keep my cool" but also to remember that I have to take care of myself, no matter how that may look to other people.
The quietness of quarantine is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. No amount of Netflix binges, zoom calls, books, puzzles, or crafts can keep you distracted enough from the reality of how this chapter has forced us to look inward. It is now that I am truly realizing the importance of self-care. My choices to travel, have solo dance parties in my apartment when I should be doing chores, or eat ice cream for dinner three days in a row have nothing to do with how I think others will judge my choice and everything to do with what I needed to do for my sanity and well-being at that time. My self-care is my serenity and having my serenity is my self-care. The more I take care of myself, the closer I am to feeling peace.
Every morning I get up for work I make three choices. As I brush my hair in the mirror, I remind myself that tragedy could strike at any moment.
So first I decide not to fear, especially the things outside my control. I take every precaution I am taught to keep myself and others safe. I wash my hands and sanitize hundreds of times, even when I am not at work. I also take every opportunity I can to safely interact with friends and spend time outdoors, because if my mental health crashes, my world comes crumbling down.
Next, I choose not to judge others, even the ones who take all of their five children with them into the grocery store or hoard all the toilet paper. Who am I to know if they are buying toilet paper for their elderly neighbors or are bringing all of their kids along because they are a single mother and had no other choice.
Lastly, I choose serenity. When people do or say things that ruffle my feathers I remain calm, peaceful, and untroubled. It is not an easy thing to do getting situated in a new work environment, let alone at a time like this but it is a choice I make, sometimes several times a day.
I'm a thousand miles away from being perfect, but I am eternally grateful for the people I have met, countries I have lived in, and completely chaotic situations I have been through that have prepared me to thrive in this pandemic. To not only "keep my cool" but also to remember that I have to take care of myself, no matter how that may look to other people.
The quietness of quarantine is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. No amount of Netflix binges, zoom calls, books, puzzles, or crafts can keep you distracted enough from the reality of how this chapter has forced us to look inward. It is now that I am truly realizing the importance of self-care. My choices to travel, have solo dance parties in my apartment when I should be doing chores, or eat ice cream for dinner three days in a row have nothing to do with how I think others will judge my choice and everything to do with what I needed to do for my sanity and well-being at that time. My self-care is my serenity and having my serenity is my self-care. The more I take care of myself, the closer I am to feeling peace.
None of us know when this pandemic will be over or how long we will suffer the lasting effects it will have on our careers, relationships, and daily living, but I do know we can control our choices and I pray that we all learn through this that we can overcome the darkness, show love to others like never before by being kind and non-judgmental, and find true and lasting serenity in our souls.
Keep taking care of yourself in whatever way that looks like for you. I'm cheering for you.
Mandi
Keep taking care of yourself in whatever way that looks like for you. I'm cheering for you.
Mandi
No comments